Epitaph ~ Love to Hate

All music genres are a little fucked up to begin with but black metal has got to have some of the stupidest "rules" governing what is legit and what is considered poser trash of any musical genre out there. From what I can understand the only way to be a "truly" credible black metal band is to stay broke and obscure so that you can stay true to your blackend roots. You must remain an underground band FOREVER and if anyone actually ends up liking (or buying) your music you have officially sold the fuck out and now everyone will hate you. Personally I think this is fucking retarded ass bullshit and I'm going to explain why. While I'm at it there are a few other sacred cows we love to jerk each other off about in the black metal community that I'm gonna burn down like a fucking church in Norway. So hold on to your collective weenies because it's time to get over the fuckery and just enjoy the music for a change. 

First things first... after 30+ years black metal is about as original and unique as vanilla fucking ice cream. So get over yourself and the illusion that this shit hasn't been commercialized to fucking death and back already. If you want to argue with me I will drag your shitty little ass to Hot Topic and feed you a fucking Mayhem t-shirt so stop acting like a twat. Now... I'm not saying it's gone totally mainstream, black metal still isn't getting a lot of radio play (at least not in the U.S.) but lets face it most people know enough about it to know they fucking hate it. So let's all stop pretending like we are part of a secret society meeting in cemeteries to burn bibles and listen to music released by Satan himself. Your downloading this shit to your phone and if Satan is involved with any music genre it's gotta be Country music.

With that said lets look at a few bands that everyone loves to hate in the black metal community for no other reason than they are making a living from their music. When we are done with that we will look at a few bands that everyone seems to think shits gold bricks and I can tell you why they suck.

Cradle of Filth ~ I'm old enough to remember when Cradle of Filth was actually a legit black metal band. In fact I had to special order Dusk and Her Embrace from the local music shop because they didn't carry black metal back then. Yes kids once upon a time in the mid 90's these guys were actually fucking awesome but thanks to the bullshit logic used by most fans of black metal these poor bastards are now the Nickelback of black metal. But why? Does their music actually suck that bad? Are they just a bunch of assholes? Well maybe... But how did they become pariahs to the point that entire forum groups ban any and all conversations about them? 

Cradle of Filth is what I like to call entry level black metal. When 14 year old's who are into Nightmare Before Christmas and Anime really wanna piss off mom and dad with something more "edgy" they discover bands like Cradle of Filth because they are easy to find. They are commercially available and they have all the right themes going on. They are just the right mix of dark, edgy, sex fueled vampire erotica most hormone driven puberty machines are looking for and if your parents ever made you go to church for any reason at all this is sure to piss them off. As an added bonus the vocals are scream "lite" because while Dani Filth can scream like a fucking ringwraith he still keeps the vocals clean enough that you can understand him. It's a lot easier to transition from Taylor Swift to Cradle of Filth than say jumping right into Gorgoroth when it comes to vocals. 

So does Cradle of Filth really suck or is it that most people who are just discovering black metal are listening to Cradle of Filth? I'm willing to bet my balls that some of you reading this started out with Cradle of Filth until some elitist assfuck on the internet told you they sucked. The truth is that Cradle of Filth don't actually suck. In fact their music is actually pretty good. So maybe some of you should get over yourselves and admit that if it wasn't for Cradle of Filth you probably wouldn't be here reading this blog, listening to Marduk and acting like an elitist asshole. 

Behemoth ~ Yet another black metal band that people love to hate. Honestly I'm not sure if people hate the music or just Nergal but it really doesn't mater because at the end of the day for reasons I don't quite understand people love shitting all over Behemoth as hipster bullshit metal which again must be a European thing because hipsters in the U.S. are listening to fucking folk rock indie puke. I could only wish they had the good sense to put down their craft I.P.A. swill and listen to something as fucking bad ass as Behemoth. So just what is it about Behemoth that people in the black metal scene hate? 

In all honestly I think it's just Nergal and the fact that Behemoth is a successful band. Now I'm not going to argue that Nergal is kind of a dickhead. Just google him and read a few interviews and you will understand that he sort of a douche. But there are plenty of douche bags in the metal scene so why drop all the hate on him? For that I can only assume that it has something to do with the fact that Behemoth is making money recording music. For some reason fans of black metal don't actually want to see bands succeed. The second you sign a record contract you lose all of your underground kvlt street cred and you're a sell out. Maybe it's because you don't need to borrow money from your mom to buy guitar strings anymore or if it's just jealousy because your own shitty unoriginal band hasn't made it beyond playing at local dive bars. Whatever the case may be it doesn't change the fact that Behemoth's music really isn't all that bad. 

I've listened to just about everything that this band has ever produced and while I can't say it's always pure black metal in the vocal or musical sense it's not worth shitting on them all the time. Take some of their early stuff like Thelema 6 and it's a solid fucking metal album. Not to mention that for everyone who is getting their spiked leather panties in a bunch Behemoth paid their dues in the underground scene.

So maybe your just one of the sheep that sees people bash them online and assume they just suck. Maybe you legit hate Nergal for being an ego maniac or because his band is successful and yours isn't at the end of the day it doesn't fucking matter because there isn't anything all that bad about Behemoth or the music they are producing when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of it all. They have produced some shit that is downright fucking bad ass and if you wanna hate on them for it, that's on you.

Dark Funeral ~ If there is one band in the black metal scene that truly deserves every ounce of hate black metal purists can muster it's these dipshits and I absolutely fucking LOVE them for it. These idiots represent everything that everyone should absolutely hate in commercialized over simplified crap metal and again I FUCKING LOVE IT!!! 

Dark Funeral are the god damned AC/DC of black metal. They have figured out the most basic ingredients needed for black metal and they have sold you a half dozen albums of the same bullshit. Upside down crosses? Check! Corpse paint and leather spikes? Check! Satanic lyrics in EVERY FUCKING SONG? Mother fucking CHECK!!!  And lest we forget that every song they have is absolutely identical to the one before it on every single album they have ever produced. Just like AC/DC who have basically been singing the same fucking song about their balls and rock and roll for 40 fucking years Dark Funeral have mastered the formula and they are sticking with that shit. The best part is I don't even care because they are fucking doing it flawlessly. 

Hate them all you want but Dark Funeral hasn't done a damn thing wrong. Sure they have totally unoriginal vocals and lyrics. Listen to a song like, As One We Shall Conquer and tell me that shit isn't just an Immortal ripoff. Drums are about as simple and unoriginal as you can get. Guitars are as basic as possible. Production quality is ordinary... Dark Funeral are as close to a fucking black metal boy band as you are ever going to come. If there was a generic brand "Black Metal" you could buy at the grocery store this is exactly what it would sound like. It would be in a black can with a white Helvetica font used as a logo and maybe just an upside down cross on it.

The crazy thing is most people don't give them as much shit as Cradle of Filth or Behemoth seem to get and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Like I said earlier if there was ever a band that truly deserves all that hate it's Dark Funeral and yet they have somehow escaped it for years now. I challenge anyone to listen to In the Sign (1996) and then Where Shadows Forever Reign 2016) on shuffle and tell me which song came off of which album. To be fair I will say that I enjoy their older stuff more than their newest album. Where Shadows Forever Reign is a really bad effort when you compare it to their early stuff like In the Sign which has a much more black metal feel with more complexity and speed than their new shit. But honestly they still play basic generic black metal with a sound ripped off from everyone and everything. 

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Now like I said way back in the beginning of this there are a few "unholy" sacred cows that have developed in the black metal scene over the years that I want to address (bash) because just like the poor fuckers above these jerks are getting WAY more attention than they probably deserve on just about every level. Let's kick things off with probably the most holy of unholy and go right for the throat. The mother fucking Nirvana of black metal... Mayhem.

Mayhem ~ If there was ever a statement that is going to get me fucking murdered it's that I don't personally think that Mayhem is all that great. Made famous because half the band was ether murdered or killed themselves Mayhem has been elevated to damn near mythic proportions and 99% of it has nothing to do with their music. 

Exhibit A: Dead, the (dead) lead singer is the only person I can think of to be famous and NOT actually be on a single fucking album by the band. Seriously... Dead is the most famous lead singer I have ever known that doesn't appear on a single fucking record produced by Mayhem. Think I'm making that shit up? Well here's the evidence... 

Deathcrush EP 1987: Lead Vocals - Maniac

De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas 1994: Lead Vocals - Attila Csihar

and everything after that dead was already, well, dead...

Yeah that's right... Look it up fuckers. DEAD is not on a single fucking Mayhem album. In fact there are very few actual recordings of Dead singing with the band at all. So unless you are listening to shitty practice tapes or even shittier concert videos most "fans" don't even know what Dead sounded like. But since I'm a nice guy I will throw you a bone and save you some time googling this shit yourself. 

So one of the biggest reasons Mayhem is popular is thanks to a singer who never actually sang on a fucking record for the band.

Exhibit B: Euronymous the next big name in Mayhem, who while actually having the credibility of being on a few Mayhem recordings is basically more famous because he was kind of an asshole and eventually got stabbed to death by a racist asshole from another over rated band that we will get to shortly. Oh and he owned a record shop and some churches burned down and shit. That pretty much sums it up.

In general the music produced by Mayhem is just alright. I don't really have a problem with it but anything after De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas has just been a cash grab by a Mayhem cover band that only has one original member. Imagine if Cliff Burton from Metallica died and then Kirk Hammett got killed and basically everyone else quit except Lars. The only thing about Mayhem that hasn't changed is that they are a mediocre band.

The most important take away from this is that basically the LAST thing Mayhem is famous for is their music. Dead is pretty much the black metal Kurt Cobain, Euronymous is an asshole who ripped off a bigger asshole and got stabbed in the head for it. Then the rest of the guys in the band were like "shit we can make money on this" and kept making shitty albums. Which by the way if you were paying attention to my earlier statements is 100% selling out, but for whatever reason it's totally cool as long as the lead singer of your band (who again was never on a record) kills themselves and is batshit nuts. Whatever... Mayhem is beyond over rated and over hyped when you actually think about it. But hey, fuck Cradle of Filth none of those bitches ever killed themselves right? 

Burzum ~ I'm not going to even go into the fact that Varg Vikernes is a racist fucktard. That fact doesn't have anything to do with why he is "really" famous or why Burzum is a shit band. 

First off like Mayhem, Burzum isn't as famous for it's music as the idiots involved with making it. Varg is the dude that killed Euronymous and burned down some churches and that pretty much sums it up. People like to jerk off over the first few Burzum albums but honestly they are pretty shitty when you actually stop and listen to them for the music... But, but... Filosofem!!! Yeah what about Filosofem... It's repetitive droning bullshit. It's like when you are first learning to play guitar and you come up with that one kinda "cool" riff and you play the shit out of it faster and faster because it's basically all you know how to play. Now play that same riff on three different instruments and half ass it on some drums and BOOM you have Burzum. 

Fast forward to when Varg is in jail and it turns into some kind of horrific synth-prog shit that doesn't even come close to making sense. Basically Burzum is in the Black Metal hall of fame due to the fact that he was hanging out with Mayhem and killed Euronymous. Burned down a few churches and was so freaked out about being a poser that he spent 20+ years in jail to prove how metal he was. If there was ever anyone who deserves the hate that most people push on Nergal from Behemoth it's Varg. I get that it makes you sound all evil and shit to say he was cool for burning down churches and stuff. I guess if that's all it takes to be cool for you, have at it. But if you are going to be famous for music you might want to make sure the music isn't sophomoric repetitive drivel. 

Darkthrone ~ Of all the over rated bands of the early black metal scene Darkthrone is probably the best of the worst. I will be completely honest and admit that I personally just don't like the vocal style for Darkthrone and from a musical aspect they are the least "black metal" of all the early bands in the scene. Darkthrone started out as a death metal band and you can tell from the vocals that sound like a bad Lemmy ripoff. But style and sound aside there is more to it than my personal preference for their music. Like the fact that they have been lingering around the black metal scene like a case of herpes you got in your early 20's that show up a few times a year to remind you about that one night stand with a chick named Tiffany.  

My biggest bitch about Darkthrone is that like most of the founding fathers of black metal Darkthrone is famous for a relatively small selection of their total musical output. Again, much like Metallica who really only has 3 maybe 4 good albums and then an entire discography of bullshit garbage. (Seriously Metallica sucks, they have maybe 4 good albums out of 10. That's only 40% of their music that doesn't suck balls) So just like Metallica, Darkthrone is riding a wave of popularity that is long, LONG past it's prime. They continue to show up in magazines and documentaries (usually about other bands *cough* Mayhem *cough*) but lets face it Darkthrone hasn't been relevant in the world of black metal in over a decade.

So here is the thing... The reason for this entire "rant" is because all of the above is just total bullshit opinion. My personal opinion about the above bands should have nothing to do with your own enjoyment or lack there of, of the bands in question. Maybe you fucking hate Cradle of Filth but think Carach Angren are absolutely brilliant. Maybe you want to kill me for saying Mayhem are sellouts (come at me bro) personally I don't care. I listen to a lot of different bands and a lot of different genres of music. I don't worry about what bands are popular or who is on the cover of a magazine because most of the bands I enjoy aren't even in magazines. Don't be such a fucking tool, listen to whatever you like. More importantly don't be a sheep and just hate on a band or artist because some dickhead on Reddit says they suck. At the same time don't give a band more credit than they are due just because they have been around a long time or because they were one of the "first" to do something. That doesn't always mean that it was amazing or great because even idiots get lucky sometimes so don't put undue credit where it might not be due.

Listen to whatever music you like for whatever reason you need. Don't limit yourself or your enjoyment because of what others say because you know what they say about opinions and assholes.